I disliked my face for a long time. My eyes are too small and slanted, my nose too flat and my face too round. I looked to the printed magazines of faces that looked nothing like mine. I saw beauty as a set of features that I could never have simply because I wasn’t born with them. So if pretty is what I see on TV, and those girls look nothing like me, then I’m not exactly “pretty” am I? I’m mixed but not the right kind. Being mixed from two countries in the same continent doesn’t really count unless those countries are in Europe. China and the islands of the Philippines are seen as just one place. Because all Asians look the same, we are all packaged and packed away underneath the label of minority.
“You look just like him you know,” she whispers into her mug as she takes a sip.
He turns his body towards her and with a small voice, he says, “Does being around me cause you any trouble?”
“Sometimes.” Continue reading
She puts her hands over his that are cupped around her cheeks, and then slowly pulls them away. He keeps his hands over hers to keep them warm since they’re always cold. She pauses, then says,
“I don’t want to need somebody. I shouldn’t make someone my home. I need to learn how to alone. To be happy by myself. I can’t rely on you, even if you don’t think that’s a lot of trouble. I do. I can’t be dependent on you, or anybody else.” She sighs before letting go of him and his hands.
“I need to be enough for myself.”
I woke up early as per usual. I fixed my things because we were leaving in half an hour. I got up and washed my face, got dressed and put all of my cameras into my backpack. I slipped on my sneakers and walked over to the dock. This whole process seemed to play in slow motion in my mind even if it was probably normal speed. It felt like I could think a little better. I’m used to rushed mornings and getting out the door as fast as I could so I can be productive. Which was why this morning felt a little different to me. I didn’t have a bus to catch or a full day of work ahead. It was just me, the ducks and the sunrise.
He’s here and she’s wrapped up in his arms. She laces her fingers through his hair. She never gets boys like this, like him. He holds a smile on his face as she curls her fingers through his wavy strands. He lazily makes circles on her back. He can’t believe that she’s here and that she feels the same way maybe?
She looks over at him and sees how he just oozes happiness as he keeps smiling at her. She can’t help but smile back and hope that it’s as radiant as his. For a moment she lets herself just live in this moment and let herself be his. But only for a moment.
“Do you still love him?”
“No.” She sighed heavily. “But I did.”
“At first I believed that I didn’t really love him, just the idea of him. The idea of someone to be there for you, to have them be your person. But I just kept remembering all the stupid little things he did, things he said, and then things about him. That’s how I knew I was in too deep.”
If everything is going to end, why should we whine about how things seem unfair? Or about how we might be wasting our time? As we lead our lives, the days will keep passing. So who cares if you don’t know what to do with yourself? Be awkward and weird and get embarrassed with the things you say. As long as you said it, right? We will always have enough time if we want to have enough time. We make that decision for ourselves, not anyone else. We will never have tonight again. We will never repeat this life or even this minute. So why not do what you love? And pour everything you have in it? Who cares if it overflows? Continue reading