I’ve observed this about myself for quite some time now; I can’t keep friends. Self-depriciating aside, I’m just not the type of person that will have a million friends. In the beginning I thought, maybe it’s something that I’m doing wrong, so I kept apologizing. For things I did or didn’t do, for feeling something, everything or nothing at all.
I’ve always been a little jealous of the people that just have a gravitational pull around them. People are always attracted to them for whatever reason. Sometimes the person is an amazing human, and other times they’re not, which confuses me. I get that slight pang of envy in my chest when I start to notice that the people I’m around will not pick me, but someone else first. Admittedly, they might have a better relationship, vibe on a different level, and possibly a million other reasons. However, I can’t help but think, “Is there something wrong with me?” or “What am I doing wrong?” and ultimately it boils down to the age old question of “Am I worthy of being loved? or am I just an ass?”
Then the thought process spirals into questioning every little thing I do so that I am aware of everyone. To become so enveloped by the thought of being the centre of the friend circle and being able to have a huge group of people to greet me everyday. In retrospect, it’s probably extremely petty for me to be jealous of the people who are the at the centre, they probably have their own set of problems. I’ve watched a lot of teen movies to figure that much out.
But sometimes I can’t control this sense of hurt and I understand that I should be content with the things that I have rather than crave the things I don’t. However, humans are innately envious of one another, it’s part of the reason why we long for someone to hang out with rather than being alone all the time.
But what I’ve come to realize is that I may not be the centre of the group for a reason. Perhaps it’s the way that I am so impatient with other people, even myself. Maybe it’s the way that I can’t show as much compassion as others would like. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m so honest that it hurts, others, and myself. Maybe it’s the way I walk, the way I look, the way I speak, and many more. Or perhaps it’s simply nothing at all.
The weird thing about this issue is that I know that it will never leave me. That tight little squeeze that my heart gets whenever I see other people I know choose someone else over me. It squeezes just enough for me to notice it, it doesn’t hurt a lot, but it still leaves an unpleasant feeling. I can breathe, but at the same time I’m running out of air. That feeling of being content but wanting so much more all at once. I know that I will always feel this way.
But what I know now, is that there are some people that will choose me first. Those people that maybe I didn’t notice I was pushing away. The people that are always there, whether or not I’m sad or have a problem. Sometimes I truly forget the people who are right beside me. The people who don’t want me to apologize for just being myself. Who take my honesty with a smile and never make me feel like there’s something wrong with me. The people who aren’t afraid to tell me what’s wrong, and who will always, without a doubt, pick me over someone else.
It’s come to a point where it isn’t about being surrounded by people that I feel envious, it is the matter of me being okay with myself and who I am. Even if I am a stranger to myself right now. I am this strange, unusual and weird character that I have yet to meet in the story that is my life. I guess I was placing all the unpleasant feelings on the fact that I don’t attract a lot of people, which is what most people do. Now I know that these emotions are the lack of acceptance I have for myself. The unknown person that I am, the one who is in constant growth and restructuring, the person who is unaware of the good qualities but always nit picking the bad ones. It’s apparent that I am not okay with who I am, perhaps it’s all the insecurities I see in a matter of seconds after I look into the mirror. Or maybe it’s the way I can see myself so negatively in a blink of an eye. Or maybe it’s the fear of the unknown, and the known, and deciding whether or not I like who I have become and ultimately who I will be.
It’s mixed emotions, mixed feelings and struggling with acceptance of the complete stranger that is me. It’s not that I can’t keep friends. It’s the curiosity of finding myself along with the fear of loving who I am that makes me feel unpleasant and sometimes queasy.
But that’s life, and it’s only just begun. Though the feelings may be unpleasant, and change is right now and tomorrow and the day after, and the millions of people passing by me and the fear of doing just enough or more. It’s never-ending, and to some that sounds terrifying. Which it is. But it’s also all the more exciting.
This just flowed out of me and I couldn’t seem to stop. And I hope everyone like it, because I do.